It’s been a while since I have had this blog as the home for my writing. If you want to read what I’m up to and where God is moving in me please head on over to the new place: http://hisvineyardsong.blogspot.com/ 

Be blessed, and know that I haven’t abandoned the people I follow here. I still read! 

-Alex

Sincerely, truly amazing.  

** courtesy of Michelle Downer. I love that girl! :D I love nap time! 

So last night at large group there was a message about identity. While this is a question I am still trying to answer for myself- I am currently struggling to reconcile what I see as my identity, and what God says is truth about me- I wanted to share my own “work in progress” that people were talking about from ROC. I took the form that Ariel put up, and filled it out. Here is what came of it:

I am from music. 

From Yellowcard and cd players. 

I am from the rolling hills of Vacaville, childlike, timeless, the smell of homemade cookies, and the sound of children at the park across the street.

I’m from camping trips and stubbornness.

From Dena and Kevin Elfers

I’m from the unwillingness to share emotion and from hiding from the truth, but am moving toward vulnerability and honesty. 

From “wake up little ally” and “get back up and brush it off.”

I’m from the mixed up European blood lines, taco bell, and spaghetti.

From the strong will of my father, 

The sarcasm of my mother (she taught me well),

The wall in the hallway filled with memories, trophies from the past. 

I am a daughter of the Most High King, my perfect daddy. He is the lover of my soul, and the one who holds the keys to all the doors and windows in my life. 

I am from prayer- what I do when I acknowledge my need for God; when I get on my knees to repent, and cry out for the things He has placed on my heart; when I sit at the cross with God, basking in His light. 

I am from Psalm 4, sitting on my own bed in stillness, for in God is my safety and peace.

I am from a community that teaches trust and love beyond what the world has to say on those matters.

I am strong in my weakness and reliant on God.

I will be a whole woman, unafraid and completely healed, living the life God has planned. 

Like Grandma Gunner, someone who holds her head high through everything; someone who desires to brings joy to everyone she meets. Much love to my auntie. 

I bless: My housemates for showing me what living in a Christian home means; my big brothers and sisters in Christ for being an amazing inspiration to keep moving forward in faith in ways I never thought God would show me; my little brothers and sisters in Christ for your tenacity and for being an example of God’s power to grow people. Through you all God is teaching me to be a sister. God has much in store for this fellowship, and I am blessed to be a part of it with all of you beautiful people.

I would admit my fears. I would run up to the people I love and tell them how much they mean to me. I would cry shamelessly. I would let people see the tremble in my hands. I would admit my faults. I would ask for prayer. I would pray for others. I would tell you that I am too afraid of my words to speak what I really think. Then, through shaky words, I would speak the sentences I am too terrified to think. 

I don’t know what this kind of honesty looks and feels like. Letting people see my heart for what it is instead of them just hearing about it is foreign. But I can’t keep doing this. I need to let go of this fear of being hurt, and being alone. I need to let someone in. Not just for a moment and shut the door again, I mean really let someone in. I am terrified. Terrified that my one simple desire will never be met, and that what I’ve been told my whole life will become truth. Despite all my efforts to rely solely on God and not need anyone else, I can’t do it if it is not God’s will for it to be done. I am failing at being alone and isolated. I need people, and to learn how to trust them completely. It is not in my insignificant amount of will power to do this thing called life alone. Yet that is my greatest fear. 

So, because of that, I am not honest, and for that, I am deeply sorry. 

Stop

Stop looking at me like that

Like I’m falling apart because I already know I am

Don’t think that these sad eyes I wear will kill me

Trust me, for I know they won’t

I’ve worn them too many times before to let them win

This time no different than the last except I am alone now

Stop staring at me as if I’m collapsing before your eyes

No matter how true it is

Every time I fall I stand back up- don’t worry too much please

It’s my life I’m messing up, it won’t hurt anyone else

Let me make my mistakes

Because I have to learn to stand on my own two feet

As weak and feeble as they might be

It’s all I’ve got left in life right now

I feel alone and empty sometimes

And my sad girl eyes won’t give me any chance at an intermission

But I will find a way- otherwise I would have lost by now

My time will come someday but not this time I promise

Stop looking me like that, just hold my hand if you must

Help me stand up once again, for I am falling apart

From the outside in

My body rebels against my attempts to survive

Each movement I make towards healing my body takes another jump

Towards the pit I’d lost myself in before

It’s only a question of how long until I fall again

But I’ll be ok I promise

Nothing has killed  me yet, I must survive for a reason

One I don’t know or even care to realize

For even when I beg for death something keeps me alive

My life does have a purpose, that I know to be true

But these sad eyes I wear haunt me with my past

Chasing after me through every dream I remember

Nights haunted with nightmares and fears I wish I could forget

But still every morning I wake up, even when all I can do is stand

I promise it won’t kill me, not this time, I will live through it

So please stop staring at me like that- like these sad eyes make you mad

Because you can’t stop these moments any more than I

Help me to pretend that I’m ok right now

Because we both know I’m not

Let me walk around like these sad eyes are lies

-These words were fine all those months ago when they originally came out of my heart through my pen. Now, not so much. I keep being reminded of this poem, and wondering if I really want what I wrote here. I don’t anymore. I am ready to confront what is seen in my eyes; ready to admit who I am. Well, maybe that is a lie- I’m not sure I will ever be ready to do those things, but I am learning that I must face that fear. In fact, I need to face every fear, and lay each down one by one. I am sorry for all of the times I have put up the wall this poem displays so perfectly. It isn’t right to do that to everyone, and it isn’t sisterly of me. What I see now are walls around me crashing down; I feel the bricks, hear the groaning of the ground, smell the graininess of the dust, and taste the fear in my mouth. This is a good thing. I’d rather break the walls now than add a few more years to the height. Anyhow, I haven’t rambled like this in a while. It’s time to tell myself to stop- not writing, but fighting against help and love. 

-God bless,

Alex

He makes it beautiful.

“I’m so forgetful, but you always remind me. You’re the only one who brings me peace.”

Hmm beautiful words. Let there always be a constant reminder of the peace God brings, if we just reach out our hands and lift our voices. Let us pray, and never stop- no matter how unlikely an answer seems. There is always an answer, all we have to do is listen and be patient. Wait on the Lord. Seek the cross. Remember Him!

Day by day. Days go by, some of them challenging or difficult, others not so much. Week by week. Weeks go by, some of them exhausting or never ending, others not so much. Month by month, time goes by. 

Sometimes we watch time fly by because it is fun, easy, and light on our shoulders. No burden there, just a season of smiling and looking forward to each day, sad when it is over. Other time we watch time fly by and wonder where it went, wishing we still had it, and could learn to use it better. 

It’s in those times that God breathes into us- whispers in our ears to tell us to keep going forward- and all we have to do is listen and BE with him. Sometimes the listening does not seem to be fruitful, but oh it is. No matter how daunting it gets, the listening and patience is worth it. In the midst of it, we get lost and confused, and forget our listening ears on the table in the house we cannot find. Patience requires more than the easy path back to the house. We have to wait for it, so that we can learn to discern and listen once more- learn to use the other sense we often neglect; allow the Holy Spirit to be our guide.

But even when we think we have forgotten the most important things, God has assuredly not forgotten about us. He is standing by our side, waiting for us to reach out our hands and call out to him. When we do, we find him standing behind us, helping us not to fall. Just nudging us along. 

Oh Abba, Father hear me, grab my hands. Nudge me along please!

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me

-Emily Dickinson 

This poem came to mind during the sermon given on Sunday. The pastor was talking about how wishes are different from hope because a wish is from our heart, not God’s and hope is a noun that is rooted in something unchangeable- God. 

I was entirely convicted by the words spoken Sunday, and on last Thursday: talk about facing hardships with discipline and spiritual strength that is found in trusting God; talk of not giving up hope when we think God has forgotten us because he most definitely has not; talk of allowing your weakness to be your strength and learning to lead in that place. 

God’s grace is abundant, and sufficient for our times of joy and times of hardship. And all that needs to be done is cry, “Abba, Father!” and trust that God is with us wherever we go- more importantly wherever he has called us to be. 

-Keep your chin up and lean on the cross. Allow God to comfort and challenge you. Be still and know he is God. Be blessed!

Abba, Father, God, Lord, Jesus, Savior,

Help me to not just sing these lyrics with an emptiness inside, but to cry it out to you with all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength. Help me not to let worship become a karaoke, but for it to be a time of falling onto my knees before you in awe and for singing out of a place in my heart where I am  desperate for you! Help me to come in a full acknowledgment of your majesty and glory, and to respond with love and trembling. Help me to not be complacent in your presence. Help me! Break my heart.